The Kiss Hello
Lately I’ve been noticing a trend happening more and more – the dreaded kiss on the cheek. This happens to be my most dreaded of social customs. Whenever I meet a girl, I always feel like running for the hills, because I know that eventually I’ll come to a point where an awkward dance of lips, cheeks, and shoulders will make their way into our greeting.
Some girls expect to be kissed. It almost seems like they want to be kissed. They just put their cheek right up to you and wait. Usually I just try to turn it into a hug. But sometimes they just put their cheek up to my mouth, and I try not to recoil in horror.
Part of me thinks, what if I kiss them and they slap me? Like, “You pig!” *slap*. Part of me is afraid that they’ll turn the wrong way, and then we’ll accidentally kiss on the lips. Then part of me wonders how hard to kiss. Is it like a handshake? Strong and confident? Or should it be like soft and puckered?
How come women don’t kiss men? It seems like that would make more sense. Girls seem to like all that kissy stuff anyways. Let them kiss us guys for a change. That might be a pretty good deal!
It makes me wonder, do girls like being kissed all day by random guys? Just a bunch of creepy guys slobbering all over their face? What if he was ugly, or really old? Or had bad breath? What if he was a creepy ugly old guy who had bad breath?
In some cultures, kissing on the lips is the norm for a greeting. Can you imagine just saying hello and kissing someone right on the lips? That would be better actually! I would rather kiss a girl right on the lips as a greeting than on the cheek. The cheek is so ambiguous. It’s like – is it a hug, or a kiss, or a handshake or what? But if it were normal to just kiss people right smack on the mouth, that would at least give a clear target.
“Hi, so nice to meet you!”
“Yeah, you too!”
*total make out session*
That would at least be more clear. It’s like a really good hello. Not this sort of half-y cheeky, sort of awkward dance. Just french them and get it over with.