Straight Eye for the Gay Guy
Sometimes I’ll see a celebrity who kinda looks like me, and I’ll think, “I’ll bet lots of women find him attractive.” Then I’ll overhear a girl remark how ugly he is. “Eww, he looks like a dead rat,” she‘ll say.
Other times I’ll see women screaming and fawning over a celebrity like Brad Pitt, and I’ll think, really? He looks like a hobo to me! He always looks like he just rolled out of a cardboard box.
It’s a miracle to me that girls even find guys attractive at all. Girls are sexy and soft and sweet and curvy and pretty. Guys are shlubs. Guys are like cave men. Dirty, crusty, hairy. We don’t have curves, or sensuality. We’re just like slabs of cement. So it really boggles my mind that girls can even fall in love with guys at all.
And it terrifies me. If I can’t tell the difference between a hot guy, and a shubby looking guy, how in the world am I supposed to improve my appearance?
Gay guys have it easy. It’s so unfair! It’s like they get to look at the cheat book to a video game, and they know all the secret codes. They know how to dress, how to talk, and how to walk. They’ve got all the moves down. They can style their hair a certain way, or work out a certain way because all they have to do is look in a mirror and use their gay eyes to shape they way they want to look.
Us straight guys are doomed to wander the world like a blind man, wondering what the hell we’re supposed to wear. I look in my closet and it’s like I’m looking at a cartoon wardrobe, every outfit the same. Should I wear sneakers with jeans? Do blue socks go with black pants? It’s a wonder we even get dressed at all.
When I was in high school, my friends and I wished we were gay. “Oh to be gay!” we would say. Gay people get all the babes! They have a girl on each arm, and always seem to be invited to all the cool parties. They always know what to talk about with girls to get them laughing and having fun. While us straight guys sit in the corner and talk to each other about the difference between Harry Potter and Star Wars.
I used to fantasize about pretending I was gay. Then I’d be let into the inner circle of gaydom. I’d have girls laying all over me as we watched movies together, or went to the mall. They’d be talking about their guy troubles, and look fondly into my eyes and say, “Oh if only you were straight. Why can’t guys like you be straight?” Then I’d try to kiss them, and they’d run screaming out of the room, like in a romantic comedy movie.
Maybe I’m wrong, but this does not seem to be a problem with girls. Girls automatically know when another girl is hot. There is no “Lesbian Eye for the Straight Girl” show. Straight girls can easily tell what guys want. They know immediately. They can look in a mirror and imagine how men see them. And it’s socially acceptable for a woman to say, “Wow, she’s so beautiful!” but if a guy says, “Wow, he’s so hot!” everybody’s gaydar goes off.
But I think guys see girls differently. As much as women debate and obsess over what to wear, lots of guys really don’t care. That’s because girls dress for girls. For example, a girl is trying to get dressed and asks that loaded question, “How does this make me look?” Then the guy sleepily looks over and says, “Huh? Uh, good!” But really, we don’t know. Because we don’t have gay eyes. And the girl is really asking if what she’s wearing will look good to girls. If she really wanted to look good to us, she would wear a Super Mario shirt.
What really puzzles me are nails. When I look at a girl, the last thing in the world I notice is her nails. So, why do women spend so much time on them? If they wanted to attract men, you’d think they would start playing more video games, or start playing fantasy football. Not focus on their nails. Or earrings for that matter. Or shoes. Some women I know have seemingly millions of shoes. If so many guys don’t care about shoes, then wouldn’t that time and money be better spent on Pokemon cards?
And it makes me wonder what girls see when they look at me. Do they see a shlubby looking fat guy, or a handsome nerdy fit guy? When I look in the mirror, I see Arnold Schwarzenegger, but who knows what women see. The only secret I’ve been able to figure out is that I think guys like boobs as much as girls like teeth. And I’ve got crooked teeth, which would probably cost me as much as a boob job to fix.
So the best I can do is just keep working out. It’s pretty much a given that most people like fit bodies. And guys can work their bodies out and make a big difference in their attractiveness. But for me, I really don’t care so much if a girl has some extra pounds. In fact, I prefer it. When I see a girl with some extra fat, I think she looks perfect. She looks soft and curvy and sweet and nice and cuddily, very feminine. And if she has an amazing personality, then that’s really all I care about.