6 Tips to Increase your Lifespan

by lphawaii

I am 28 years old and I live in America.  According to google’s statistics, I have about 50 more years to live.  But can I live longer?  Can I push that number to 60, or 70 more years?  What about 100 more years?  Well, I can certainly try!  Through the power of mathematics, I have discovered some time saving tricks to help you live longer than you ever thought possible.


Brush your teeth only in the morning.  After all, why brush at night when you’re just going to brush in the morning anyways?  You can save yourself an extra 5 minutes a day.  However, if you add it up, it could add an extra 250 hours to the rest of your life!  That’s 10 extra days!  Just make sure to apply twice as much pressure to your brush in the morning, and it will completely cancel out any cavities that you might’ve gotten from not brushing the night before.


Cook fast!  The average person spends 3 years of their life cooking.  So, if you cook like I do (as fast as humanly possible) you could save lots of time.  My list of Joe food includes a healthy diet of hot pockets, toast, top ramin, and cereal, and ham sandwiches.  And don’t spend precious time on fruits and vegetables when a Flintstone’s Vitamin pill will fulfill all your nutritional needs.  Doing so could add an extra 2 years to your life.


Remaining drug free adds 18 years to your life.


Remaining alcohol free adds another 15 years to your life.


Being an atheist adds a whopping 4 years to a lifetime of church free Sundays, and it is quite a fulfilling lifestyle indeed!


So far I’ve added an extra 40 years to my life!  But, if you wanted one life style change that would trump them all, it would have to be: being single.  If I was in a serious relationship with someone, I figure that half of my time would go to my wife, maybe, 1/4th would go to taking care of the kids, which would leave me about 1/4th the time to myself.  And that’s not accounting for an extra job to pay for the large car, or extra insurance needed for a large family.  Take that into account, and I am gaining an extra 38 straight years to my life.  That’s more than drugs and alcohol combined!


So, in conclusion, by remaining the world’s first single, atheist, drug and alcohol free monk, I have increased my lifespan by 77 years.  At this rate, I’ll live to be 127 years old!  Maybe by then I’ll have enough time to think about brushing my teeth at night after all.