10 Messy Tips to Living Clean

by lphawaii

Most people assume I am a neat freak when they first meet me. They notice the way I act, and they look at my car, or my apartment and see sparkling results. Little do they know that deep down inside I am a festering disaster of messiness, laziness, and forgetfulness that destroys everything in my path. How do I manage to fool them? Well, over the years I have developed some strategies to help create the illusion of cleanliness in the midst of complete and utter filth. After years of tweaking and refining it is now my duty to share these useful time saving tips to help messy people survive in a clean world.

#1: Buy lots of garbage cans.
My tiny apartment consists of 2 rooms. In those two rooms I have managed to squeeze 7 garbage cans! That way, if I throw something on the floor, chances are good that it will end up in a garbage can. The bigger the garbage can the better. Placement of these garbage cans is also important. The best idea is to live for a week without garbage cans, and see where you’ve naturally thrown your trash on the floor. Then measure the amount of mess, multiply by two, and get a garbage can twice as big as the pile – this way you won’t have to take out the trash for two weeks! Also, if most of your can’s are full, and you feel too lazy to take out your trash, you can empty them into one big garbage can placed strategically next to your front door, and voila, you are set for another week!

#2: Buy paper plates and spoons.
I love doing dishes, if it’s at someone else’s house. It helps keep up the illusion that I am a clean person. I never do dishes at my own apartment however. I haven’t done dishes in a year! No, I don’t have a maid, or an automatic dishwasher. I have an endless supply of paper plates and spoons! And don’t bother buying paper cups. Drinking milk or juice straight from a gallon jug is no different than drinking water from a water bottle. And it’s good for the environment too! No wasted water on dishes, and no wasted paper cups! Just be careful if you invite someone over – eat out instead.

#3: Put everything at right angles.
This strategy can work wonders, especially if you need to clean your place in a hurry. A pile of books on the floor looks 10 times neater if it is stacked at an exact right angle to a stack of clothes. The trick is to keep everything square or rectangular, like a game of tetris. Got a pile of dirty socks? Shape and sculpt it into an exact square and you could fool anyone into thinking you are a neat freak.

#4: Keep it dark.
“What a romantic setting,” most people must think when they enter my abode. Dark atmosphere, curtains drawn, dim light from the computer screen illuminating half of my mysterious face. It’s almost like being in an expensive dimly lit restaurant, except that the reason I keep it dark is to hide the mess on the floor. One flick of the switch would expose a carpet speckled with unvaccumed cheerios and popcorn seeds. It works best if you get dark blue or black curtains. Be sure that the curtains can fit the entire length of your windows so absolutely no sunlight can get in. Remember, if you can’t see the mess, it doesn’t exist.

#5: Clean your car in seconds by throwing everything in the trunk!
People marvel at the cleanliness of my car. They step inside and it’s so spacious and well kept. A finer passenger experience could only be had in a limousine. How do I keep my car so clean? By stuffing everything in my trunk just minutes before. Trunks have lots of room in them. I’ve managed to continue stuffing things in there for well over three years, and there is still room left for more. Just be sure that if someone needs to put something your trunk, you say casually, “Sorry, I’ve got a lot of stuff in there.”

#6: Buy more food.
Too lazy to clean out your fridge? Just buy more food and put it at the front of your fridge. This way, if anyone looks inside, they see a fridge that looks full of new food and think, “Wow, this guy must do a lot of cooking!” Also, don’t buy food that can’t be cooked in the microwave. If you have to cook it, you have to clean it.

#7: Brush your teeth in the shower.
This may seem like a simple one, but nothing makes your bathroom look messy quicker than all those white speckles from brushing your teeth. On the mirror, on the sink, on the walls, little white speckles of toothpaste from your mouth. It’s much better to just store your dental supplies in the shower, and get those pearly whites clean between rinsing and repeating.

#8: 2000 flushes.
I’m not really sure how well 2000 flushes works at cleaning a toilet. But it does make the water really blue, which definitely creates the illusion of extreme cleanliness. One quick snap on and your set for another year of toilet compliments.

#9: Buy an endless supply of toilet paper.
Besides the obvious, toilet paper can be used for all sorts of things! Got a cold, out of Kleenex? I’ve gotten to the point where I prefer toilet paper to the leading brand of tissues. Ooops, another table spill? Toilet paper is quicker than the quicker picker upper, and a bulk supply means you will rarely run out and have to run to the store. Also, twisting the ends of a single sheet of toilet paper to form a tiny tip works much better than Q-tips, and is safer for your ear.

#10: Keep your iron at the ready.
Hate doing laundry? Hate folding clothes? Then stuff those clean clothes away, but keep your ironing board out. Just pick your outfit for the day, iron it quick, and your good as new. 2 minutes and you’ve got a crisp, clean shirt! Much better than hours of laborious folding and hanging. Also, you can buy a ton of white undershirts for cheap that will keep your overshirts smelling fresh enough to wear a second (or third) time!

I hope these tips can help you keep up the illusion of cleanliness. Following the knowledge that I have bestowed upon you may increase your free time by a full 5 years. If the worst should happen and someone discovers your mess, it’s always best to pretend that you’ve just been very busy. Most people understand and will give you the benefit of the doubt. Remember above all, if it looks clean, it is clean.